Dear Younger Me,

You are going to fall in love.

And you are going to believe that love is the safest place you have ever stood.

You’ll think, this is it. This is my person. This is my family. This is where I’m safe.

And because you believe that, you’re going to stop asking questions you don’t even know you should be asking.

You’re going to sign things without really understanding what they mean.

You’re going to hear, “Don’t worry, I’ll look after you,” and instead of asking how?, you’re going to feel relieved.

You’re going to let him deal with the money because he understands it better.

You’re going to stop knowing exactly what comes in, what goes out, what you own, what he owns, what’s in both your names and what isn’t.

And none of it is going to feel dangerous.

That’s the part I wish I could make you understand.

It’s going to feel like love.

Then you’re going to become a mother.

And God, you are going to love being one.

Those boys are going to become your whole fucking world.

So when the choice comes to give up your income and stay home with them, it won’t feel like a sacrifice.

You’ll feel lucky.

You’ll think, we’re a family. We’re building this life together. His money is our money. His success is our success.

You won’t stop to ask what happens to your financial future while you’re making his possible.

Please ask. Please. 

Ask what money will be yours. Ask what is being saved for you.

Ask what assets will have your name on them. Ask what happens to your earning power while you’re raising the children.

Know what you have. Know where it is. Know whose name is on it.

Have an account of your own.

Not secret money.

Your money.

Money you can access without asking anyone.

Put your name on the things you help build.

Read every document before you sign it. Every page. Every clause. Every fucking word.

And if you don’t understand something, don’t smile and sign because you’re embarrassed to admit it.

Ask. Ask again. Get advice. Learn.

You are not difficult for wanting to understand your own life.

And please don’t ever confuse financial protection with preparing for divorce.

I wish somebody had explained that to you.

You deserve financial security while you are happily married.

While you are raising the children.

While you are supporting somebody else’s career.

While you are doing the school runs and sitting beside sick children at 2am and remembering the dentist appointments and buying the uniforms and holding an entire family together.

Your contribution does not become worthless because nobody pays you a salary for it.

And protecting yourself does not mean you love him less.

It means you understand that you still exist inside the marriage.

I know what you’re thinking.

But he loves me. He would never leave me with nothing.

I know. I know because I was you.

And this is the part that hurts me most to tell you.

You are going to be strong. You are going to be capable. You are going to be intelligent.

And you are still going to be financially ignorant.

You’re going to hand too much responsibility for your future to somebody else because nobody ever taught you that loving someone and protecting yourself could exist in the same sentence.

And fuck, are you going to pay for that.

Not just in money.

In years. In fear. In courtrooms. In sleepless nights.

In starting again when you should have been financially secure.

In looking at your bank balance and wondering how the hell this became your life.

And there will be days when you are furious with him.

But there will also come a day when you have to look at yourself and admit something much harder.

You didn’t know enough.

Nobody taught you.

But you also didn’t teach yourself.

And that is the part I need you to change.

Because I don’t want you to become cynical.

I don’t want you to love less.

I don’t want you to spend your life waiting for someone to hurt you.

I want you to fall madly in love.

Get married. Have the babies. Build the beautiful home.

Just don’t disappear inside it.

Keep learning.

Keep earning where you can.

Keep asking questions.

Keep something in your own name.

Keep your hands on your own financial life.

And if you give something up for your family, make sure the woman making that sacrifice is being protected while she makes it.

Because, sweetheart, I know you think you’re only making decisions for yourself right now.

You’re not.

You’re making them for me too.

For the woman you’re going to become.

And I wish, more than I can ever explain, that while you were busy loving everybody else and building a beautiful life for them…

you had remembered to build one for me too.

Much love,

Older and wiser you.